You guys wanna hear a story? Yeah okay, so I used to be a crazy pathological lying bitch. I would make up these fantastical little stories for some attention and to satisfy my yearning to create fiction and additionally satisfy my thirst for an exciting life.
Most of these lies weren’t particularly harmful, but god were they elaborate. And for some reason my main target for my lies was my Then boyfriend.
I think I did it not just for his attention, but to test him. Test to see if he really did care for me. I’d push him right to the breaking point and than right as I watched him hit the hard floor, i’d given him some bandages.
I once made this fictional character to him, practically an imaginary friend, I had a fake phone number to this individual, fucking pictures of this made up person for the sole purpose of toying with my boyfriend. It was little dramatics like this that kept me entertained in my boring life.
I loved drama and passion and I got this sociopathic satisfaction when I saw my boyfriend release intense emotion (usually of anger). I loved drawing emotion out of him.
I was completely sociopathic. I told him I loved him for the first time when I didn’t. Lies on lies.
As our relationship progressed I actually started to fall for him and madly so. I started to reveal many of the lies I told him him and thus trust obviously started to weaken.
Mixed with his inability to trust me and my emotional instability/mental issues the relationship got increasingly bad. I can even look at it now and say that it was in fact abusive. And I was the abuser. I would lie, threaten he had to stay with me or else I’d kill myself, abuse drugs to the point I’d find myself in zombie like oblivion, use selfish tactics to make him jealous, cut myself and than show him, etc.
This is all long in the past, and I’m just finally starting to forgive myself. I killed my former. And as far as my than boyfriend goes, I’ve tried to reconcile but he naturally and logically has no interest. The only way I kept him with me was using fancy words and writing him pretty things; but I never did anything for him.
The whole relationship taught me volumes on love and since than my moral compass has been dramatically readjusted.
Additionally, in regards to him although I am to blame for the entire demise of our relationship, I don’t think either way we were really meant to be. I think it was a well needed learning curve for both of us.
He is a very grounded, down to earth guy, and I’m very independent and have my head in the clouds. I thought that was a good thing; I thought that he could keep me balanced but I now recognize that I’m not meant to be tamed. And I just need to continue to run free until I come across someone wild enough to run free with me.
But this isn’t a post about love & relationships or my romantic needs it’s about who I was what I’ve done.
I’ve come a long way since than and i can honestly say I’ve sold all my evil motives. I’m not going to elaborate on how I got a hold of my life but let me tell you it was a trip, and it all required baby steps, becoming so disgusted with who I was, and the help of my friends. (Not to mention stop going coke binges)
I’m writing this as a formal acknowledgement of the person I was: manipulative beyond words and incredibly petty.
goodbye to my former but also eternally grateful for the lessons I’ve learned.
It’s taken me a better part of a year to get to the person I am now, and I’m still working on it every fucking day. And it’s not easy by any means.
Basically, I was a piece of fucking shit but I’ve killed that person, I’ve mourned that person, and I’m not apologizing for her anymore.
I’ve got my hopes up again, oh no, not again.
you have to watch the music video for this though